Day 18. 10 small moments
1. He makes pop over pancakes and bacon. He slices pears. I sit and feed her the plate of fruit he cut up for her while I drown myself in coffee. Another sleepless night. I feel anxious about the changes.
2. I reply to her post that I feel the same. I feel “other” here. It is not from the color of my skin... it is something else. I feel “other” in the paths I've chosen to seek happiness; In my determination of sticking with my choices; In wallowing in my own faults like a wild beast... I feel “other” in that they are waiting patiently for me to fall. Fall down down down. It’s one of the reasons I left that circle of women from this "village." Their eagerness for that. I felt that behind their smiles. I continue to let them wait.
3. I think about it again later in the morning over FDC hot tea. I will find my circle here. I traveled far to find a beautiful one already. I add it to the list of survival needs so that I will FITFO to make it happen.
4. It’s gloomy outside but her smile is so big and her inner light illuminates brightly. I am blinded by the woman she will become.
5. Deadpool. I make a game plan so that I can watch it. I explain to her that it isn't for the hyper violence. No. It is for the hilarious and subversive nature of the delivery. The fact that it has already surpassed the Avengers is beautiful on a meta-level. And appropriate.
6. She and I make brownies to surprise the boys. I’ve spent hours and hours and hours making home made brownies... but I still return to the box because of the 100% accuracy of greatness. Time is everything and hitting the target of yumminess every single time is a matter of ROI and calculating Lean Process Capabilities.
7. I start packing for Arizona and I look at the forecast. We gonna melt.
8. I ask him to meet me at the cafe or reschedule the meeting until next week. He chooses to meet me. We have a business meeting while the two of us flit around the cafe and dust everything with matching yellow dusters. I remark that many serious business discussions happen over golf. We dust. I find that so sweet, and I fall in love with our company all over again.
9. He plays the Beethoven piece smoothly, and so he's rewarded by being able to play on the big organ. He's thrilled and his eyes shine. It's so fun to watch. I embrace that ridiculous mom part of me that starts a video on my phone.
10. We sit at the kitchen table and fold freshly printed food menus for the employee friends and family preview party. I sit across from him and I feel so much pride. He formulates an idea. He injects it with intention and willpower and... and here we are folding menus together... I know that this is the beginning of a new phase. I feel excited and terribly anxious and in love.
