Day 48. 10 small moments

1. As soon as he cracks the door open I can tell he’s been up for awhile. I sneak away from her while she’s still deep in slumber. I walk into the kitchen and the boys are sitting at the table like zombies but the table is full of food. He rushes around us with his blurring energy and… I need a minute.

2. I feel the breakthrough a-ha moment ripple through me, and I want to do jumping jacks or slam a margarita or both: I organize when I feel anxious. I’m feeling anxious about getting on a plane and traveling again — but without them. I had planned on just packing up some toiletries, but it quickly turned into a two hour culling of lotions and samples I’ll never use; make up I’ll never wear.... I feel both elated and saddened by this prognosis.

3. I completely organized and winnowed down her closet yesterday. Now she can wear this bright red sweater today that was in the very bottom and under a large stack of clothes with the tags still on. It will fit her for another few months. She puts it on her yellow dress and I realize in this small moment how broken I am.

4. I spend 10 minutes chiseling the hardened snow and ice off of our car before going back inside to get gloves. I spend another 10 minutes chiseling the hardened snow and ice off of our car while questioning. questioning. wondering: why am I here?

5. As we drive to the airport she gives me an update on her exercise classes, her jiu jitsu and kickboxing. I contemplate an active hobby that will jiu jitsu my way to a new mental model.

6. It is about what very small thing I alone can control, I know this.

7. I really like this airport. ORD is my usual departure, but this one is so easy. There’s room here.

8. One of the benefits of flying alone is watching whatever I want without interruption. I binge watch Ronny Chieng and 3 episodes of the Dragon Prince from Netflix.

9. I set three alarms, and mentally prepare for the busy day ahead with my client.

10. I re-read the love note that he placed in my luggage. It devastates me because I don’t feel worthy of that kind of love, and I have never felt that type of negative self-doubt before. The events of last year chemically changed the ordonnance of my mind, and I don’t know how to untangle myself from the morass. I only know that he is the bright light and I am both drawn and resentful of it. Resentful because. because. because… a large percentage of my happiness or misery is tied to the life decisions, goals and achievements of someone else, and I swore that I would never give someone that kind of control… And here we are.